This Is My Despair
by AnyaZeAwesomeGlaceon
Summary: How do you feel when you are depressed? For Russia, it is the worst feeling he ever had. What makes it even worst is that he experiences this every once is a while. This is a poem about Russia's periodic despair.


**WARNING: Contains mentioned self harm and thoughts of suicide **

**I do not own Hetalia**

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**This is My Despair**

Imagine you are Russia on this particular night  
Normally, you don't hate things  
Hate is a too strong of a word for your taste  
But you suppose that if you had to hate one thing it would be yourself  
Yes, you loath yourself  
You avoid mirrors and cameras as much as possible because you don't want to see yourself  
You don't want to see your plain face that so many others had called 'pretty' or even 'beautiful'  
You don't believe them

You find yourself awake at night, laying in a dark room  
It's okay, you like it like this  
You like spending your nights in a dark room with nothing to keep you company but the darkness and the music you value so much  
But questions rise when you think to much

You question everything around you  
The universe, your home, your life, even your existence  
Then you start to wonder why you even bother to continue living, why you are still alive

You wonder if it would be better if you just died  
After all, you wouldn't have to suffer anymore  
You are certain no one will really miss you a few months after your death  
The world keeps on spinning - with or without you - so it wouldn't make much difference if you were gone

In your mind you feel trapped  
Constricted even  
You want to escape, so you imagine you are clawing at the walls to your invisible box  
You are desperate to escape  
You yell at someone to save you, but no one comes  
That's right - it's all in your head  
No one can hear your anguish that is occurring in your mind, so it only makes sense that no one comes to rescue you  
You are almost certain that no one can save you - after all you push them away from you

Then comes the loneliness  
The loneliness can only be described as an extremely heavy weight - a burden - constricting your heart  
Your heart feels heavy, yet so empty  
You can only describe the loneliness as a spirit  
A spirit that is always with you and haunts you every so often  
You think that this spirit has always been with you

The loneliness intensifying to where you believe no one will come and rescue you  
After all they are living their own lives, having their own problems to deal with  
You don't want to be a burden to anyone

This is your despair  
This is how you feel every once in a while  
Maybe every other month  
Maybe every few months  
Maybe some random pattern  
You don't know for you never bothered to keep track  
All you know is that this feeling comes and goes  
You don't know how to stop it  
Or deal with it

Scars covers your arms from the times you tried to cope with random feeling of depression that sticks to your heart from time to time

You don't remember how to get out from the dark abyss  
Maybe it was yourself  
Maybe it was your friends  
Maybe it was both  
You don't know

All you know is that you expect to feel it again  
You don't know when  
Maybe the next day  
Or the next week or month  
Maybe even months from now if you are lucky  
You just don't know  
All you know if that this is going to occur again

And you don't even know if you are going to get out of this dark abyss alive

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**A/N: **

**This was born while me and my dear friend, Allena Frost, were talking about ****feels and stuff. I then asked her what would happen if I tried to write a sad story and she said that it would make people cry. So I wrote this. I decided to name it after 'This Is My Despair' by Kajiura Yuki from the PMMM movie Rebellion OST because I thought that title suited the poem. What do you think? Did it make you cry? Did it make you sad? Let me know! **

**Also I plan on making a sequel for this called "Never Leave You Alone" (also named after a piece by Kajiura Yuki from the same movie) so what do you think about that?**


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